NEW TO EMK? READ THIS FIRST.
While you go through Love U, you’re going to hear me use certain terms. If you’ve followed my work for awhile, you may be familiar with some of them already. If not, one of my esteemed graduates has put together a handy glossary to assist you. Just click on the phrase for a fuller explanation.
- After you’ve written him 2 messages on the site (or after you’ve made a real unique connection…)
- Offer to be in better touch and send him another photo in exchange for his email address.
- Continue the conversation with at least 2 emails off the dating site
- When he asks, tell the guy you would love to chat on the phone, offer him your number, tell him what time to call you, and get confirmation.
- Exchange 2 phone calls (in theory, but usually 1)
Following this method, will weed out guys who aren’t enthusiastic about you, and ensure higher quality first dates, in general.
3 questions to answer after a first date
To figure out whether to go on another date with a guy, ask yourself these three questions:
- Did I have fun?
- Was I comfortable with him?
- Was I attracted to him?
If the answer to all three of these questions is yes, go out with him again. If the answer to any of them is no, do not.
Alpha / beta men
Alpha guys are confident, in control, don’t care what others think, live life passionately, don’t apologize. They’re helpful problem solvers, well put-together, proud of their successes, dedicated to their work or hobbies, generous with money, independent and free. They are also more selfish and stubborn and less likely to compromise with you.
Beta guys need affirmation, eager to please, apologize often. They’re selfless, easygoing, make you feel safe, loyal, content with their lives, drama free, generous in bed.
If you are more alpha, you may want to be with a beta guy. If you’re more beta, you may be better suited with an alpha.
Assume positive intent
Even when a guy does the wrong thing, it’s a crime of ignorance, not malice. Instead of assuming the worst in him, try to put yourself in his shoes and consider why a man who likes you and wants to make you happy would act in such a way that doesn’t make you happy. There’s usually a logical explanation; and it’s not simply that he’s a jerk.
Be feminine/receptive. Not masculine/leading/chasing
One of a woman’s most attractive characteristics to guys is her femininity. Embrace it. Specifically, don’t reject offers for help. A guy feels good about himself when he is able to do something for you. If he wants to carry your bag? Let him. He wants to fix your toilet? Let him. He wants to hug you when you feel bad? Let him. Guys want to feel valued, and they do this by doing things for you.
Be the CEO
Evan compares dating to running a company. You are the CEO of You, Inc. and every guy who comes along is an intern applying for a job.
- A CEO is a good leader, letting the intern know exactly how to do his job well.
- A CEO fires an intern unless he performs really, really well.
- A CEO has no problem if a bad intern disappears
When you’re feeling confused or upset with an intern’s performance, just ask yourself what a good CEO would do.
Believe the negatives. Ignore the positives.
A man can be cute, funny, kind and charming and, at the same time, tell you things like “I’m not looking for anything serious,” or “I’m not in a great place right now,” or “You’re too good for me,” or “You deserve more than I can give.” Believe him and walk away instead of sticking around to find out that what he told you was true.
“You can’t say the wrong thing to the right guy”
Sometimes we say or do something that we regret. We snap at our date or boyfriend, or drink too much and act a fool. The wrong guy would hold it against us, but the right guy will let it slide. Or he will address it with you in a rational way that makes you feel safe. If a guy makes you feel badly about slipping up, or holds it against you, he’s not the right guy.
Changing a guy’s behavior
You can’t change a guy’s behavior. You can only control your reaction to his behavior. If a guy behaves in a way you don’t care for, you can show him how to please you and, if he doesn’t, move on.
Comfort over passion.
Women will often assign more value to passion and chemistry than it is actually worth. You can have amazing passion and chemistry with a guy who doesn’t otherwise care whether you’re happy. You can have great sex with a guy who doesn’t make you feel safe, heard and understood.
In the EMK world, comfort is just as important as passion. If you have a 6-7 on the passion scale and a 10 on the comfort scale, that is healthier than having a 10 on the passion scale and a 4 on the comfort scale.
Confidence, the #1 most attractive quality in a partner
Think about what is attractive about a man:
- He’s not overbearing because he has his own life and his own passions and he lives them.
- He’s not clingy because he has a circle of good friends that he can talk to.
- He’s not jealous. He knows you’re coming home with him even if you are chatting with another guy at a party
- He doesn’t equate you with women who have failed him in the past.
- He knows he’s good enough for you. He knows he’s a catch.
- He has self-respect. He doesn’t need constant validation from you that you like him.
Men like all these same things in their woman.
Date like a man
This is a strategy for working from a place of abundance. Date lots of guys without worrying about whether they become your boyfriend or not. Just go out and have fun for fun’s sake. This is how men date. We should date like that too. It helps to keep us from obsessing about any one specific guy.
Don’t make him wrong.
We make guys feel bad for not reading our minds. We make them feel bad for doing something harmless that we find irritating. We make them feel bad because we feel bad about something and they’re not responding the way we think they should.
Our strategy should be the exact opposite. Evan says "if you don’t make him feel bad all the time, you may be the first woman he’s ever dated that didn’t." We have to try to be easygoing, generous, tolerant, and attempt to understand where he’s coming from instead of making him wrong for having a different point of view. If you consistently disapprove of his behavior, you can always break up with him.
Don’t try to read the last page of the book without reading the book.
Many women will go on one good date and fantasize all the way through to marriage. This is counterproductive and will push a guy away. The best way to get a guy to want to spend more and more time with you is to remain in the present. To make sure you have fun on THIS date, in THIS moment, on THIS page. Don’t try to read the last page of the book. Just focus on the page you’re on.
"Finding the One Online" — Evan’s book / workbook on how to build a profile, communicate with prospects, work the 2/2/2 system and navigate thru the online courtship period.
Full trust or no trust
It’s not uncommon for women to say something like “I trust him, except for [insert the one thing that makes you nervous].” Sorry, but you can’t have a boyfriend you don’t trust. Either accept him as he is, or break up with him. There is no in-between.
Your funnel is the inventory of guys that you are currently taking through 2/2/2 or meeting in person. You should usually have 7-10 guys in online communication at any given time, to ensure that you’ll have at least one prescreened date per week.
The best way to make a guy like you is to be a great date. Be positive, feminine, flirty, laugh easily and say yes to everything! Fearful, negative, bored, tired, and ambivalent doesn’t turn anyone on – man or woman.
"Last Man on Earth" syndrome
Otherwise known as “working from a place of scarcity.” Believing that if you break up with your poorly behaved boyfriend, you will never meet anyone else. Long term optimism is important. We have to believe that potential good boyfriends are all over the place and if one doesn’t work out, another will be along shortly. THAT is working from a place of abundance.
Often, when women are excited about a guy, they initiate contact with him. This is counterproductive because it often seems like you have to chase him down or remind him you’re alive. You don’t. If a guy likes you, he will get in touch with you.
Mirroring just means that if he texts you, text him back. If he calls you, call him back.
At some point, if he’s giving you good boyfriend behavior (usually around 3-5 dates OR whenever he asks you for it), you can start to initiate contact. Of course, there are exceptions. Just know that you can contact a guy from a place of confidence, but you don’t want to do it out of fear that he’s pulling away.
We often toss guys aside for doing something foolish on a date, and we shouldn’t. No one (not even you) is at his best on a first date, and we all reveal ourselves over time. If you made a blunder on an early date, wouldn’t you want a mulligan? Yes. So you need to treat guys the way you’d want to be treated.
No man is real until he’s your boyfriend
You shouldn’t get carried away with dreaming about a guy you’ve only met twice. You can only work with the information you have at any given moment in time. If he’s being awesome, but you still haven’t had the Sexclusivity / Boyfriend talk, then he is not actually your boyfriend. Keep your funnel full and continue to be the benevolent CEO who looks for consistently good behavior from her intern.
Short for "overthinking," one of the main reasons women fail in relationships. We try to read a guy’s mind instead of work with what he’s giving us literally.
Common example: You go on a great date with a guy, he texts you several times a day for a couple days, you send him a flirty, slightly suggestive text and don’t hear from him for 24 hours. A woman who was overthinking would assume he was offended by your flirty text and panic. Meanwhile, perhaps he 1) got busy, 2) got distracted, 3) was comfortable enough with you not to respond directly.
A non-EMK woman might text the guy over and over, asking for forgiveness, or yelling at him for disappearing. This behavior is counterproductive. When you’re overthinking, the only defense is to lean back. Distract yourself, hang out with girlfriends, leave your phone at home. If the guy never comes back, he was NOT the right guy. You can’t say the wrong thing to the right guy.
Pay attention to what he does between dates, rather than what he does on the date
A guy can be incredibly affectionate, attentive, flattering and present when you’re with him on dates, but if he never calls in between dates, if you have to initiate making plans (which you shouldn’t be doing if you’re mirroring and leaning back), then he’s not that into you.
Safe, heard and understood
This is how the RIGHT guy will make you feel. Very often when you are feeling unsatisfied in a relationship, you can trace it back to a deficiency in one of these areas. Examples:
- You don’t trust him / he doesn’t trust you.
- You tell him how to please you but he doesn’t step up.
- He shuts down during disagreements.
Say yes to anything that doesn’t hurt you or the relationship
Often, we will make a guy feel bad inadvertently by judging his offers. If he says "let’s go to Restaurant X," a bad date might say "I was hoping to go to Restaurant Y" (it might be closer to you, or you might just be in the mood for Italian instead of sushi). If you want a guy to like you, just say yes. Saying yes makes him feel good and making him feel good when he’s with you will make him want to be with you more. If this rubs you the wrong way, consider how it feels when he says yes to you.
This is the concept of not having sex with a guy until you are in a committed, exclusive relationship with him (following good boyfriend behavior and an actual conversation where you agree to move forward in a committed, exclusive relationship).
Short term pessimism, long term optimism
Most guys are not your future husband. You must believe that your perfect match is still out there, and that you just have met him yet.
Show him how to please you
This is the key to not being frustrated with your guy. If he’s doing something you don’t like, or if there is something you’d like him to do that he’s not doing … show him how to please you. Communicate clearly what he could do that would make you happy, without drama and without making him wrong. Most boyfriends WANT to please their girlfriends, you know?
Once you’ve told / shown him how to make you happy, he will either step up and do it, or he won’t. Either way, you’ll have better clarity on how he feels about you.
The right relationship will be easy
A great relationship is one where you don’t disagree often and when you do, you can deal with it easily and without drama. The right guy makes you feel safe, heard and understood. You are never walking on eggshells.
You achieve this by 1) choosing a guy who really wants to please you, 2) showing him how to please you, 3) communicating clearly and without drama and 4) being easygoing and positive yourself.
No relationship is without bumps in the road. Even the perfect guy will say or do the wrong thing sometimes. The trick is not to blow small things out of proportion.
"Why Bother?" syndrome
It’s not uncommon for women to get frustrated with the dating process. They may go on several bad dates in a row. Or a guy they really liked may disappear for no apparent reason. They may tire of being hurt or working so hard for so little result. Sometimes these women will think it’s easier to be single than to work at dating. This is obviously the best way to never meet the right guy.
Even if you need to date a break every once in a while, never ever ever give up. Your guy is out there. Never stop putting yourself in a position to find him.
Short for "Why He Disappeared," Evan’s e-book explaining why guys disappear.