FOCUS Coaching Library New
As we go through the next six months, we’re going to go through a lot together, and it’s possible that the Love U videos won’t cover it all, and that you won’t want to wait until our next phone call for coaching. That’s why I’m giving you access to my FOCUS Coaching library below.
With 18 FOCUS Coaching Calls and over an hour of audio for each call, there is a lot of information available here. I’ve listed 5 of the biggest takeaways from each section, but be sure to download the PDFs and audio to get the greatest benefits.
I’m always here if you have any questions.
Love,
Unmet Expectations
- 1True love is about accepting his flaws—not because he’s perfect—but because you want him to accept your flaws as well.
- 2You need a complement, not a clone.
- 3No man is real until he’s your boyfriend. Don’t assume you’re a couple until you’re actually a couple.
- 4If you’re with a kind, thoughtful guy who makes you happy and is marriage oriented, give him ample time to figure out if he wants to marry you – we’re talking 2-3 years.
- 5You have to decide if his flaws are something you can tolerate for the rest of your life. Keep in mind that he has to tolerate your annoying behaviors, too.
- 6You don’t commit to a guy until he’s first committed to you.
- 7It’s hard for a man to start building something if he doesn’t have a firm foundation under him.
- 8Boyfriend behavior: calls, emails, texts every day; leaves his weekends open for you; refers to you as his girlfriend; integrates you with his friends and family; wants to be exclusive; sleeps with you regularly; talks about a future; tells you he loves you.
- 9If you’re not getting your basic needs met, or not experiencing good boyfriend behavior, the best thing you can do is find yourself a new boyfriend.
- 10Everything you’re looking for is possible. You just can’t find it if you’re in a relationship with the wrong man.
Bad Behavior vs. Misunderstood Behavior
- 1If you have a good boyfriend, you can be sure of one thing: he wants to make you happy.
- 2 Say yes and let things go 95% of the time, so that the 5% of the time you do say something, it has great impact and he pays attention.
- 3Men are clamoring for women who accept them as they are, and have healthy, reasonable boundaries
- 4One incidence? Forgivable. An entire pattern of not being able to communicate? Not forgivable.
- 5Men reveal themselves in their actions.
- 6You can’t be treated in any way that you don’t allow yourself to be treated.
- 7Having a backbone does not equate to being a bitch. Being warm and accommodating does not equate to being a doormat.
- 8Nothing is a big deal when it’s in moderation, and anything can be a big deal when it’s left unchecked.
- 9Women expect that men are going to be 5% assholes. Men expect women to be 5% crazy. As long as each of you recognizes it, owns it, and apologizes for it, it’s generally not a problem.
- 10If the most important person in the world is not making you feel good, there is no reason for you to stay.
Moving On
- 1You don’t actually want a guy who doesn’t make you feel special.
- 2Don’t be too fazed by failure. Yes, it’s unfortunate, but it’s also quite predictable.
- 3Breaking up may hurt, but it shouldn’t be taken personally
- 4Your boyfriend’s willingness to leave you IS his major flaw.
- 5If he consistently upsets you and he’s a cancer in your life, cut out the cancer.
- 6Just because people are selfish and conflict avoidant doesn’t make them inherently bad.
- 7A guy who makes you feel safe can’t be as exciting as one who doesn’t, because unpredictable is more exciting.
- 8There are plenty of nice guys who’ll treat you well, not want to marry you, and stay in touch for selfish purposes. Let them all go.
- 9Dating in fear is like having a bad car accident and being wary of getting into another car. You have to overcome your fear and get behind the wheel again.
- 10Assume the best in people until they prove otherwise.
Insecurity
- 1Fear is irrational and counterproductive. You can’t make any powerful or effective decisions from a place of fear.
- 2The stakes are so low on a first date; there’s never any reason to let fear play a role at all.
- 3Losing is something you do, not who you are. Own your mistakes, learn from them, and don’t beat yourself up over the past.
- 4Humility and vulnerability makes confidence attractive. Without them, men don’t know how to contribute to your life.
- 5You shouldn’t have to “try harder” to win him over or wonder “what can I do to make him like me more?” Once you have to convince someone you’re worth loving, you’ve already lost.
- 6There’s nothing wrong with being a pleaser as long as you’re getting your needs met too.
- 7When you contort yourself to keep the peace, or afraid he’ll leave, you’re no longer living the self-expressed life you deserve.
- 8All of us feel entitled to our hard-won insecurities. But our insecurities can be exhausting to others.
- 9When you dwell on your insecurities or blame your partner for them, what you’re really saying is, “You can do better.”
- 10If you value you, he’ll value you.
Courtship
- 1The onus is on you to make yourself approachable to men wherever you go.
- 2Either mirror the alpha-male or be proactive with the beta-male.
- 3Accept and appreciate the strengths of the passive, easygoing man.
- 4If you want to date a leader, you’d better be able to let him lead.
- 5Showing a man you like him is far more effective than telling him.
- 6Not every guy will have read the memo he should pick up the check. If he doesn’t, reach for your credit card and split the bill. He’ll either pay, or you’ll go dutch. And if it’s the latter, let it go.
- 7Common interests might attract you to a man, but they’re not indicative of what it takes to have successful long-term relationship.
- 8When you make something a deal-breaker (money, religion, the tube of toothpaste), it IS a deal-breaker.
- 9Instead of focusing on your differences, focus on how he makes you feel.
- 10No guy is your project. You can nudge him into better behavior, but beyond that, you just have accept him or leave him.
Online Dating Profiles
- 1Online dating gives everyone the “perception of choice,” not actual choice.
- 2No lists. No clichés. No negativity. No oversharing. No adjectives.
- 3Write profiles that are appealing to men by asking yourself what he gets out of dating you and telling specific stories to illustrate it.
- 4Your profile should be about 400 words long: 200 for the “about you” section, and 200 for the “what I’m looking for” section.
- 5It’s not what you say; it’s how you say it.
- 6You can talk about anything you want. You just have to pay attention to the feeling it evokes in the reader.
- 7Tell a handful of funny, memorable stories that make you unique. Do this, and no matter what you put in your profile, you’ll be likeable.
- 8If he’s not attracted to your photos, he’s not going to bother to read your profile.
- 9The best photos incorporate flirting with the camera, showing a hint of mystery; and something that flatters your body.
- 10This isn’t a bio about what you do for work or fun. A good profile demonstrates qualities men value most: warm, feminine, fun, happy, confident, self-aware.
Long-distance Relationships
- 1The question is not whether it’s possible to fall in love from a different time zone; it’s whether it’s necessary to solicit opportunities that have this obstacle, when there are viable alternatives closer to home.
- 2 The ONLY reason to go outside of your local area is because there literally is no other choice.
- 3No man is real until he’s your boyfriend; until then, he’s just hope, fantasy, and potential
- 4When he’s courting you before he’s your boyfriend, he should make the effort to call, plan and come to visit you. It’s not your job to keep this alive yourself.
- 5Don’t expect a vacation fling to turn into a marriage when his efforts are telling you you’re a long-distance booty call.
- 6Don’t commit to a guy who isn’t committed to you.
- 7You don’t decide to “go for it” with a man; he decides that you’re worth going for, and when he increases his efforts, when he spends full weekends with you, when he calls you every day, and when he tells you he doesn’t want you seeing anyone else, that’s when you decide. HE has to step up and claim you.
- 8If you’re in a severely limiting location, you may owe it to your future happiness to move to a larger city.
- 9Ultimately someone eventually has to uproot his/her life, home, friends, and job.
- 10Long-distance isn’t the problem; it only amplifies any existing relationship problems.
Age and Dating
- 1Your dating pool consists of men who want you; stop trying to convince men who don’t that they should.
- 2Don’t waste one second on a guy who is not sure he wants children when you know for sure that you do.
- 3Don’t assume that every man who is older than you is “old.” Not all men of the same age are the same.
- 4Everyone thinks she looks 5-10 years younger; thus, it doesn’t hold much currency when you tell people that you do, too.
- 5You can lie about you age, but some people will question your character.
- 6People who lie about their age aren’t bad; they are merely insecure that telling the truth won’t get them in the door.
- 72 Facts: men fall in love faster, and men are more likely to want to get married again after divorce.
- 8No marriage ever survived for 30 years due to a mutual interest in running.
- 9How you feel around him matters far more than who runs circles around whom.
- 10When all is said and done, it only takes one guy to change your entire life, and that’s why you keep on going.
Men and Money
- 1Men just want to know they command your respect in spite of the fact that they make less money than you.
- 2 It’s not your job to perpetually convince an insecure man that he’s good enough for you.
- 3Be humble about being able to afford nice things. Ascribe your financial success to a choice, not a character issue.
- 4If you can embrace him for all his other great qualities, he’ll feel safe and secure with you. You’ll see a better man and a better boyfriend.
- 5While men don’t marry women for their money, they do want to know that a woman won’t be a drain on their finances.
- 6Men want to do nice things for women they care about, but paying for dates with strangers isn’t always particularly rewarding.
- 7Having money doesn’t preclude a man from being a really bad partner.
- 8Some men have a blind spot about money. He’ll spend on an iPhone and not a movie ticket.
- 9Enter money discussions as if they are problems to solve as a team, instead of attacking or pointing fingers.
- 10Share in your financial expenses based on your ability to pay, not on your gender.
Life/Love Balance
- 1You know why you rock at work? Because you dedicate yourself to it!
- 2What does he get out of dating you if he can only see you once a week because of your busy schedule?
- 3Men might value an emotional connection with a less impressive woman over a relationship with a more accomplished woman who has less time available.
- 4Why would you want to date an unhappy guy who doesn’t make an effort? If he’s that super busy and unhappy, it’s NOT your job to save him.
- 5Do not value ambivalent men more than enthusiastic ones.
- 6You shouldn’t ever have to wonder where you stand with a guy after 6 weeks or so. The right guy lets you know.
- 7Don’t deny your own needs to keep the peace. That’s a recipe for disaster.
- 8You have to be willing to walk to find a guy who will meet your needs.
- 9The opposite of love is indifference, not hate.
- 10Sometimes, you’ve just got to fire the underperforming intern.
Compromise
- 1All happy couples compromise, and the smart ones compromise on everything except for kindness, communication, and commitment.
- 2Say yes to virtually everything that doesn’t actually hurt you. Speak up when something is truly unacceptable.
- 3Sure, a lot of guys don’t do you what you want. But half the time you haven’t even told him what you want.
- 4If you feel like a doormat: 1) stand up for yourself and see if he’ll compromise, 2) find a partner who doesn’t make you feel like a doormat.
- 5Don’t stay with a man who makes you feel insecure about your core issues.
- 6No one told you to bend over backwards for a man who doesn’t bend over backwards for you.
- 7The best partners aren’t the richest, fittest, or the smartest. The best partners are generally the most tolerant and accepting.
- 8You know exactly what to do with the guy who doesn’t respect your needs when you’ve expressed them: dump him.
- 9The right guy wants to compromise for you. You should want to compromise for your boyfriend as well.
- 10Instead of keeping score, pay attention to how you’re feeling.
Intimacy
- 1Men look for sex and find love. In the weeks it takes to pursue sex, they discover if they want to be in a relationship with you.
- 2To get him to slow down, make it fun. Find the ‘sweet spot’ where you both get your needs met.
- 3Try first to be sympathetic, not judgmental. Create an environment for him to succeed. Set the tone, and then see if he steps up.
- 4The best husband material is the guy who likes you a lot and shows it.
- 5It’s not your responsibility to help a guy tear down his emotional walls.
- 6Being the best date means showing enthusiasm and offering positive reinforcement. Your efforts will bring out a more comfortable, confident man.
- 7Have empathy for the “too much information” guy. Slow him down and show him how to better please you.
- 8You can flirt, make him feel good, have boundaries, and still incentivize him to want to come back for more.
- 9Your jealousy and mistrust is oppressive to a man who is actually trustworthy.
- 10You can’t heal someone else. You can just make better choices.
Men Behaving Badly
- 1You CAN’T react to every single bump in the road. You have to choose your battles.
- 2The rubberband effect: men pull back and then snap back. Give him the freedom to retreat to his man cave from time to time.
- 3A guy who is your boyfriend will feel bad if he’s not pleasing you. Your job is to show him how.
- 4Love is a commitment to the commitment; it’s not a feeling.
- 5The right man says “I’ve got it good. I can’t just take, I have to give back.”
- 6All good qualities come with bad qualities, but the good should far outweigh the bad.
- 7Accept his personality as is or find a new boyfriend. It’s not fair for him to walk on eggshells around you out of fear he may upset or offend you.
- 8Don’t try and change a man who is not asking to be changed.
- 9When a man tells you you’re too good for him, tell him, “you’re right!”
- 10Learn to let go of the way you think things are supposed to go. Even the most well-intentioned men get it wrong sometimes.
Dealing With Exes
- 1Breaking up is not a process. It’s a 3 minute conversation
- 2Cutting your ex off entirely is imperative. There is no other solution.
- 3Jealousy is a useless emotion. If he’s your boyfriend, you have no choice but to trust him completely.
- 4His ex isn’t a threat – especially if he dumped her. Remember, there’s a reason they broke up.
- 5Just because you’ve lacked confidence in the past doesn’t mean you need to any longer.
- 6You can say whatever you want when referring to exes as long as it’s coming from a place of authenticity and vulnerability, not anger or sadness.
- 7You can’t do the wrong thing with the right guy.
- 8One of the biggest predictors of divorce is a couple that breaks up and makes up during courtship.
- 9Men are abundant. The best thing to do is shake the Etch-A-Sketch and start over.
- 10Your new life really appreciates you letting go of your old life.
Dating and Kids
- 1The more you approach each man as the father of your child, the more each man is going to recoil from your intensity.
- 2Men who want kids talk about kids. You’ll rarely hear a man volunteer without solicitation that he wants kids if he really doesn’t.
- 3Relationships are not based on potential. You need to share the same vision in life. If you want kids, and he doesn’t, there’s nothing left to talk about.
- 4Men are everywhere: if you were able to find a great guy who doesn’t want kids, you’ll find a great guy who does.
- 5When it comes to children, 50% of it has to do with him. Donor eggs may be YOUR best bet for children, but they may not be HIS best bet for children.
- 6The worst father is the man who doesn’t want to be a father.
- 7Skip the “I don’t know” guys. You don’t have the luxury of counting on him changing his mind two years down the road.
- 8Do NOT ask a guy to figure out for you whether or not you want kids.
- 9Don’t introduce a man to your kids – or expect him to introduce you to his – until your love is well-established and you’re seriously considering a future.
- 10Be “slow to hire, quick to fire” in your search for the right man.
Race, Religion, and Politics
- 1There’s nothing wrong with having preferences surrounding race, religion and politics. The problem is when they box you in.
- 2You don’t want to start an argument on a first date. Be careful not to take the bait, even if you might enjoy the debate.
- 3Be moderate and respectful. Agree to disagree. It’s better to keep the peace than to debate something that won’t change the outcome.
- 4It’s not your job to convince someone his belief is wrong. You can’t go around changing other people.
- 5Beliefs and facts might as well be the same based on how our brains process them.
- 6The only real deal-breaker is how he treats you, and that’s with consistency.
- 7If you have very strong beliefs, you need to be with someone with the exact same beliefs or someone who is more easygoing and tolerant than you.
- 8Don’t mistake similarity for compatibility. People who think like you aren’t better partners.
- 9Your soul mate might be right in front of you but you wouldn’t recognize him because of labels you put on him.
- 10Differences of opinion only matter as much you make them matter.
How to Make Him Fall In Love With You
- 1Drop the fantasy of making uninterested men interested in you.
- 2The greatest gift you can ever give a man is acceptance.
- 3Men are about feelings, not looks. Make him feel good and he’s not going anywhere.
- 4Stay present. Do not try and read the last page of the book to see how it ends.
- 5Over-functioning is trying too hard to make a man like you; you come across as weak and needy. If you do everything right and he is still selfish, aloof, or not attracted to you, let him go!
- 6The best type of feminine energy is providing a contrast to what he already has; if he is driving, hard working, and opinionated, the best fit is a woman who is easygoing, accepting, and appreciative.
- 7Men are notorious for saying what they mean, like “I don’t want to talk,” “I’d rather stay in tonight,” “I’m not in the mood for sex,” etc. Don’t overthink it!
- 8There are many men who can’t make anybody happy. These guys are so selfish and unaware, they will create drama in any relationship.
- 9An asshole is a nice guy 80% of the time, but 20% is just too much asshole.
- 10Relationships should be easy. If your relationship isn’t easy, it’s not that good.
What Men Want
- 1Men’s basic relationship needs: to be appreciated, accepted, and admired
- 2You can be a smart, strong, successful woman who doesn’t need a man and still show him appreciation, acceptance, and admiration.
- 3Men want to be needed. The issue is when you carry yourself as if you don’t need a man.
- 4There’s a difference between needing someone, and being needy. Being implies you don’t trust him, or believe in him to do the right thing on his own.
- 5If you are his girlfriend, he doesn’t think he can do better because he chose YOU.
- 6Any criticism is better received if a man asked for it, as opposed to your unsolicited opinion about how he can change to better suit your preferences.
- 7No advice is one size fits all. Tailor your dating approach to your personality, and to the guy himself.
- 8Both men and women are confused in deciding whom to marry. Confusion is a people thing, not a man thing.
- 9Any person who is not confused before committing to one person for life is probably blinded by chemistry.
- 10The most important thing to a man is how he feels in your presence. If you’re making him feel good, appreciated, accepted, and admired, there is nothing you can do better.